I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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