How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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