Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
