i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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