I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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