Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
