i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
