I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
