I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
