I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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