Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
