I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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