when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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