You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
