I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Sober January is a disaster.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
