my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
