Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
