I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize