dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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