I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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