I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
