Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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