she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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