How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
