Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I smell stomach acid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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