Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
