so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
