I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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