that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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