I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I smell stomach acid.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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