I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
