My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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