I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
