Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
