I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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