I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
