i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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