i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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