The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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