I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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