Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
