woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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