well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
