How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
