it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
