May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
