Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
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I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
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She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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