my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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