i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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