So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
