Im at strip club and am horny
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
