i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
