She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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